Chasing Myself. Happiness Again. And What “Finding” Is.

The Happiness/Validation/Inner Peace Question

There was something big I didn’t address in yesterday’s post on validation and other mental messes, so I hope today’s post will be in conversation with that one. And that big thing is happiness.

I’m not talking about a capital H Happiness, where I’m running through endless fields of daffodils on a summer’s day and there’s a rainbow and a gentle breeze (though that does sound nice.) I realize now that happiness was a misnomer and what I was really shooting for is more like fulfillment or validation. (even those two terms could be picked apart and cited for their differences, but I won’t do that for now.)

I think the thing that I’m really chasing is myself. My Self, that is. My inner peace. Or non-self. That thing without a name. That thing that just is, without description. And that’s a much harder thing to pin down, and it’s a much harder thing to write about.

Because, unlike happiness, I think inner peace has the potential to look like so many different things to different people. Inner peace is a hard thing to visualize. Or maybe inner peace is happiness or vice versa. Maybe too early to tell about that. (comments and criticisms welcome regarding this point)

(comments and criticism welcome to all points actually. i’d prefer not to keep this all in a vacuum if possible. which is part of the reason I have a website instead of just journaling at home under lock and key.)

Obligatory Recap Because That’s The Kind Of Person I Am

So did I answer my concerns regarding my intentions towards happiness or some other internal validation? Not yet it seems. For now, let’s just say inner peace and happiness have yet to be defined in this space and therefor cannot be evaluated in any satisfying way. But that isn’t the full purpose of this post, so I’ll leave that point for now.

The Rest Of The Points I Need To Cover Starting With:

Purpose Of Website And Intention

The other purpose of this post is to carry out an ongoing conversation, perhaps to rehash old ideas and attempt to build a web between them. That was and is one of the original intentions of this website, illustrated in the first post on my website, and perhaps the most vital. To find connections between seemingly unrelated written, visual, and other artistic mediums. Because my brain is really messy and I can have a hard time finding structure or scaffolding. Hopefully the website will aid in that. The website will certainly evolve, as I do think it’s something I’d like to work on over my lifetime. But it will evolve with me.

Regarding Instagram

Well, I don’t know. I have a love/hate relationship with instagram. There are two sides to the coin. On the one hand, yes, I do feel some sort of validation and personal satisfaction when I a post gets more likes than usual. And one of those reasons is just that it makes me feel good to know people care about what I’m doing. And once I start to become more open about the endgame for my project, it will give me hope that if people care about the work I’m doing, maybe they’ll care about some of the things I care about and then the conversation can open up even more.

But for right now, those conversations haven’t really taken place. I’m hoping to use my writing as more of a platform once I build my courage up. If I can get everything to come together, the associations between the visual work I’m doing on instagram and the way it connects to my writing, will become clear and hopefully seamless. In my head, it makes sense. But I want people to be on board with this synthesis, so I guess it’s time to put all the abstract head-stuff into words.

Live-Update

So this is something I thought was sort of funny from the last post and it was kind of spontaneous. It’s fun to just sit and reflect on my surroundings and a way to help ground myself and return to the physical space. A prime example of this can be found here, where I talk about sitting in a coffee shop right after casting my vote in the last presidential election.

***engage live-update mode***

I’m drinking chamomile tea, an all-time favorite. I was feeling pretty anxious today because of stupid things and having the chamomile tea helps to wind me down at the end of a day like that. I’m drinking the tea from a mug my friend Kyra gave to me before she moved away yesterday.

I’m sitting at this work desk I got for thirty bucks on internet yardsale. It’s a nice desk for all types of work. I’ve cut a ton of cardboard here, managed to get some writing and reading done here as well.

The apartment isn’t exactly hot, but I forgot to have the fan on me until just now, so now everything is quite chill. I can’t hear much besides the fan. Actually come to think of it, I can’t hear anything besides the fan turning towards and away from me. Of course I can also hear my fingers as they type. But that’s about it.

I have a nice desk lamp that I use to get optimal light on any drawings or for photos of my sculptural work.

I think that’s enough for now.

***disengage live update***

Is this post for me or you?

I’ve concluded this post is for both of us. The last post was mostly for me I think.

Do I need to ‘learn’ anything from writing a post? Do I need the writing to make me ‘feel better?’

These were both items I brought up in the last post and I’m not sure of their source. In a way, I think a lot of my writing is about self discovery. In that way, I’m always hoping to learn something new about myself, this is all in an attempt to bring some cohesion to the seemingly disparate parts of my life.

I think I should clarify what “feel better” means. I usually come to writing or another type of art because I feel like I’m going to explode if I don’t. Like something in my body just needs to get out, like turning a valve to release some steam or other built up pressure. I’ve never really talked about that before and I don’t know how common it is for other artists. But that’s something that draws me to visual art.

A lot of my visual work is anxious and fast. Because that’s usually how I feel internally. It’s effective at producing a single idea, and quickly. And part of my frustration with writing comes from not being able to get an idea to come across as quickly as I’d like it to. That’s why I usually gravitate towards poetry. The longer it takes me to do something, the less likely it is I’ll finish it. I don’t know if that’s bad, but I’m in the process of looking into it.

So do I need the writing to make me feel better? No, not usually. But does it usually make me feel better anyway?

Yes. Almost always.

 

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